Friday, May 11, 2012

A Mommy's Heart

This Mother's Day I am blessed to be able to celebrate my 4th year of being a mommy.

This is just a personal thing, but I don't like to call it "Mother's Day", I like to call it "Mommy's Day" because when my babies say "Mommy" it completely melts my heart, even on the days I've been a little grouchy! I think it effects me so much because I know the days of being called "Mommy" by my girls is numbered because soon they will be too big and all of a sudden it will be weird for them to call me Mommy. So I'll be Mommy as long as they'll let me.

In no way can I admit, in all honesty anyway, that these four years have been easy. There was a conversation that Ben and I had when Alexis was tiny.  We have remembered this conversation on the many occasions when we were stressed and just plain exhausted with the every day life of having children, especially so close together.  Alexis was only a couple months old and she was asleep, as she usually was at this age and Ben and I were watching a movie, in the middle of the day, as we usually were when she was this age. We looked at each other and said, "Man, whoever said this baby thing was hard is crazy, this is easy!" I'd like to say we were kidding, but we were not...How VERY naive we were! And now we know how blessed we were to have such a great baby for those first few months who loved to sleep in until 9 and then most of the day.

Because she was such an easy baby we talked about getting pregnant again when she was just a few months old, but decided that wouldn't be the best idea until he found a secure job. While we were in Texas for 6 weeks staying with his parents, we found out I was pregnant.  The day before I took the test I had just hit my pre pregnancy weight. Alexis was 5 months old. Were we shocked, YES! Were we excited, YES! Were we nervous OH MY YES! But we knew that God had a plan for us.

I  had many moments when I would worry if my heart could love another child as much as our first. Of course when I saw our beautiful Kaitlyn, I knew there was no reason for me to ever feel that way.

Kaitlyn has proven to be a very, very loving child, but a much different baby and toddler than Alexis was. Kaitlyn didn't sleep nearly as well as Alexis did as an infant, like I was so desperately counting on in those first few months. The girls never napped at the same time so I was completely and utterly exhausted and battled a pretty nasty bout of depression for a few months, all the while not telling anyone.

The girls are now 2 and 3. Are we financially secure? NOPE!  Are we less stressed? Absolutely not! Are we happy? YES! We love our girls so much, as crazy as life is.  If we would have waited until we were financially secure, we would not have our sweet Kaitlyn now and of course, we can't imagine life without her. 

I am still in awe, when I think of how much Alexis, at 14 months old, took care of Kaitlyn. I have wondered if it was the other way around if Kaitlyn would have been as caring at that young of age since she is so different. As different as she is, she is our snuggle baby and there's not much more I could ask for in those very special moments. I love snuggles and I know one day, sooner than I'd like, those snuggling moments will be gone.

Of course, we're not sure if God has more plans for us to complete our family or if this is it. If it is, we are more blessed than I imagined we would be.  And yet, I do have moments where I feel there's one more face I haven't seen, small hand I haven't held and voice I haven't heard. For the time being, we're just trying to focus in and listen to God's small voice. What is your plan for us Lord? I'll try to listen carefully so I can hear your whisper or knowing us we need you to hit us across the head with something big. Who knows maybe that's what you're doing now?

And if one day we do have a third blessing....I know now that my heart will grow yet again because I know a mommy's love is never ending.

"NO ONE ELSE will ever know the strength of my LOVE FOR YOU. After all, you're the only one who knows what my HEART sounds like from the inside!"


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